So, it's midnight and I've had a pretty horrible day. I was lying in bed tossing and turning, and I decided that probably a lot of people were doing the same thing, and maybe someone would do well to hear what I have to say right now.
Today was tough. It rained a lot. The kids were inside all day, which meant we were inside all day. My daughter decided that the only thing that could possibly get her through all of this change was to own a bird, and own one now. My son decided that there was NOTHING in the world that could possibly make him happy, and my husband and I at some point decided that the ban on cursing in front of our children was lifted. We were done.
And it's unlike me to really feel done, but as I lay there in bed tonight, I realized what it was. I have stopped laughing. I barely smile (and you all know that is not like me). And it's not because I fear the fate of the world. I know we'll get through this. It's because I fear that I am not only not doing anything particularly well right now, but I am doing it all particularly badly. I AM NOT a stay at home, home-schooling mom. I don't know how to teach my fifth grade daughter to find the area of the shaded part of the square using fractions. I don't have the patience to sit with my second grade son as he refuses to write a sentence of his informational writing assignment, even though two seconds ago he told me every word he needed to write down. My house is a mess, because it's always a mess, I am not using this time to write the novel I always wished I had the time to complete, my cooking has gotten no better, and the thing that I know I am good at...this teaching thing...for me has always relied on my being in the room where it happens. So now, hey, I am failing at that too. I just felt, this evening, that I can not do this for some "unknown quantity of time." And I got mad, and really sad, and I could not smile.
So I cleaned. I went out to the car and drove to a pet store and bought my daughter a goldfish named Chickpea to take care of. I came home and helped my son rearrange his room and we all sat down and watched a silly show on tv. It didn't get better, but while I was busy doing all of those things, I realized I was breathing. The air felt a bit lighter, and my chest felt less tight.
Obviously (it's midnight and I'm still awake), I didn't solve the anxiety of how we will make it through this new time (I refuse to call it my new normal...we will go back to the old way. I know), but I realized that maybe we all need to give ourselves a break.
My daughter didn't get her bird, but was happy to have a fish.
I will never teach her math, but someone else will down the road.
I will become better at virtual mom hugs and brightening your day over a computer screen, and your colleges won't care about these last couple of months, because, these are the months when THE WHOLE WORLD shut down. So, you will be fine too. We will hone the skills we have and do the learning together that we can, and we will all be fine. Because that's all we have to be. Not great, just fine. Until we're together, and great again. We'll get through this.
