Friday, December 12, 2014

brown socks and black shoes

I am acutely aware that I am wearing brown socks today.  Brown socks with grey corduroys and black shoes.  Today, my clothes don’t match.  I am not wearing jewelry.  My mother would be horrified.  It is one of those days.  Three people at work told me I looked tired before 8:00 A.M.  I’m sure many more of these comments will follow.  Since I got up from bed (cursing, cursing, cursing all the way), all I have thought about is getting back into it.

I am tired.

My husband has the last stainless steel travel mug for coffee.  I brought my third cup in a Frozen themed, plastic insulated cup (Tervis Frozen Cup).  Today, I hate princesses.

I am pretty sure I babbled incomprehensibly to my 10th grade students in my first period class.  I wrote words on the board and spoke words from my mouth, but I do not feel responsible for the order in which those words came out.  The students listened to these words, and then did work.  I am not changing anyone’s life today.

It is one of THOSE days.

I yelled at my daughter this morning (quietly, so as not to wake up her brother) when she got up for the 500th time at what must have been 4:30, and she cried because I didn’t call her baby.  She just wanted to know if it was one or two days until her 5th birthday party.  And when was Grandma going to pick her up for their special dinner together, again?  I told her to go back to sleep and crawled back to my bed.  I knew it wouldn’t work.  It didn’t.

It is hard to be a sympathetic listener at 4:30 in the morning.

In my classes, we are talking about hard things.  We are discussing race and privilege and education reform.  We are debating controversial topics in the news.  We are WORKING.  My brain is quiet and still.  Their buzzing brains will have to carry the weight today.  I am still asleep.

I lack the energy I need to cry.  But I want to.  I want to yell, and throw things at the world.  I hear the privilege wrapped in my emotions.  I hate it.  I have a job I love.  I have a consistent salary and a house and children for whom I can buy clothes and food.  I have extraordinary, silly, happy (most of the time) children and a husband who makes sure that I don’t drown in credit card debt and is generous with his love.  I have family within a mile of my house who would do anything for me, and friends for whom I care deeply.  Yes, but today.  Today these gifts are just obstructing the path to my bed.  

I can not embrace my world today. 

My coffee is not doing its job.