I am acutely aware that I am wearing brown socks today. Brown socks with grey corduroys and black
shoes. Today, my clothes don’t
match. I am not wearing jewelry. My mother would be horrified. It is one of those days. Three people at work told me I looked tired
before 8:00 A.M. I’m sure many more of
these comments will follow. Since I got
up from bed (cursing, cursing, cursing all the way), all I have thought about
is getting back into it.
I am tired.
My husband has the last stainless steel travel mug for
coffee. I brought my third cup in a Frozen
themed, plastic insulated cup (Tervis Frozen Cup). Today, I hate princesses.
I am pretty sure I babbled incomprehensibly to my 10th
grade students in my first period class.
I wrote words on the board and spoke words from my mouth, but I do not
feel responsible for the order in which those words came out. The students listened to these words, and
then did work. I am not changing anyone’s
life today.
It is one of THOSE days.
I yelled at my daughter this morning (quietly, so as not to
wake up her brother) when she got up for the 500th time at what must
have been 4:30, and she cried because I didn’t call her baby. She just wanted to know if it was one or two
days until her 5th birthday party.
And when was Grandma going to pick her up for their special dinner
together, again? I told her to go back
to sleep and crawled back to my bed. I
knew it wouldn’t work. It didn’t.
It is hard to be a sympathetic listener at 4:30 in the
morning.
In my classes, we are talking about hard things. We are discussing race and privilege and
education reform. We are debating
controversial topics in the news. We are
WORKING. My brain is quiet and still. Their buzzing brains will have to carry the
weight today. I am still asleep.
I lack the energy I need to cry. But I want to. I want to yell, and throw things at the
world. I hear the privilege wrapped in
my emotions. I hate it. I have a job I love. I have a consistent salary and a house and
children for whom I can buy clothes and food.
I have extraordinary, silly, happy (most of the time) children and a
husband who makes sure that I don’t drown in credit card debt and is generous
with his love. I have family within a
mile of my house who would do anything for me, and friends for whom I care
deeply. Yes, but today. Today these gifts are
just obstructing the path to my bed.
I
can not embrace my world today.
My coffee is not doing its job.
